Reader Mailbag: Do You Lend Your Books To Friends or Family?

In the February newsletter we asked readers if they ever lend their books out to friends or family.

Here are the responses:

Cathi: I only lend books to my best friends and those that have worked in libraries! That certainly narrows the field..

Brenda: Heck yeah!!! “Way back when” in the times when computers/internet didn’t exist, and most TV re-runs were still in black and white, my mom taught me how to read at the age of 3. She passed on her love of books and reading to me and my siblings. Books were flying between my sisters, me and mom and we always had books in our hands. My girlfriends and I would constantly trade boxes full of books with each other.

Christine: Normally I don’t have books on hand to lend since I mostly get from library or listen to audio, but on the few occasions I have done this I let them know that I don’t need it back and they can feel free to pass it along or keep it, or of course return it if they so desire. So unlike you, I haven’t seen the Dorito stains, or the bent spines, etc.

Mary Alice: Being an avid reader since childhood, I am very possessive of my books. Yet, I have loaned out books with the typical results: damage, loss, loaned it to one person who subsequently lent it to one of her friends and never got it back. Now that I typed that out, that was nervy, and to boot, it was a relative!

I vowed over my lifetime that I would not loan out my books, but could not stick to it. Kind of like when I make a New Year’s resolution. I have to admit that if it comes to the question of loaning, I seem to make an on the spot decision depending on who it is.

Oh well, as you can tell, this situation has me flying by the seat of my pants!

Tom: Hello…I never got in the habit of lending out books. Probably because most of my books are not the popular mainstream items or they are westerns. Last year, I donated several books to the library for a benefit sale and then gave away about 130 western paperbacks to a man in town. Many people I know either don’t read much or never got in the habit. Time to get back to staying warm.

Velda: These days I only read ebooks or listen to audiobooks. When I purchased books, I was very picky about who I lent my books to and that was my mother and three close friends who also read. If I found a book that I thought people really needed to read, I presented them with their very own copy of the book. I didn’t do this very often but I remember the first time I did it. The book was The Shack by William Paul Young because the story was so moving and resonated with events happening in my life at the time.

Sam: Yes, I absolutely lend books to friends and family. And my friends and family do the same. My mother was an English teacher, so we definitely had a reading culture in my house – regretfully most of my adolescent life I didn’t really fit in. But handing someone a book and telling them to read it, I find, is the most effective way to actually get them to do it.

Ruth: Hi – great question! So many ways to answer….what books? I used to own books?

I found a book if these handy book marks years ago. It’s called The Borrow Book. You put the borrower’s name on the top part and your name on the book mark part. Give the bookmark with the book. I have used these for years with mixed results. I must say most come back with this method But – I must remember to do it! Over the years even with it: people have denied they borrowed the book even though they filled out the card; people have lent whatever book to other people who of course are not on the card and no longer on the original borrower’s mind; and I have found the book with bookmark intact in the borrower’s library. The bookmark made it easy to reclaim.

I used to own a lot more books and really had no control of them. Some grew legs and left. Some grew legs and returned home but not as many. I sold over 100 boxes of books and now I can see at a glance who is not on the shelves.

I too have bought multiple copies for lending – the most popular being Eat Right for Your Type (blood type diet book) and Born to Run (barefoot running). I just checked and still 2 of 3 copies of the first are here but only 1 of the running book.

If the book is really important to me I do not lend it. Otherwise I try to maintain the Buddhist attitudes of non-greediness and compassion. This works after I knock myself on the head for being stupid one more time!

Chris: Hi Graeme, great question. I love how you hand out copies of Replay. I heard about that book from you and, while I don’t have copies to give out, I certainly recommend it to everyone I know. This brings me to the question of whether I loan out my books. I used to but I rarely got them back! Now, when I’m done with a physical book, I simply give it to a friend and tell them to pass it on when they’re done with it. It clears up my bookshelf and I don’t have to worry about getting the book back.

Jessica: I did lend a book to a stranger once on a train. I had my kindle and a book on the train. Someone was saying that they were bored so I lent them the book I had. They did give it back to me before they got off the train. I tried to lend my copy of Twilight to my boyfriend after we went to see Twilight in Concert (which was awesome). He had told a woman there that he never read the books. He turned me down when I offered my copy though.

Bobproct: Yes. Most of the books I read are on Kindle or Audible, or both; however, I always have some Physical Books. I lend them out with a card for recording a reader’s name and date, and an invitation to either return the book or pass it along and return it one day. It’s fun when books come back with several names because with that, we can have a conversation.

Pat: Any book I may donate to the Friends of the Library, I will willingly lend out. Any book I want to keep, especially for reference, or my Astrology books I will not lend out.

Nancy: Very carefully. I am quite picky when it comes to loaning books. I usually emphasize that it is a loan and I put my name on a post-it note in front. If it is a very favorite, I note in my journal that it is on loan. Okay, that sounds a tad obsessive, doesn’t it? This is for books that are absolute favorites. Some that are okay reads, I just let them be out in the wild blue yonder and come what may. I never loan a few authors:; Katherine V. Forrest, Val McDermid and Louise Penny, for example. They are mine! So it goes in the world of reading.

Kathryn: There was a time in my life when I would happily loan a book to family and friends. Our receptionist at work – she loved the Stephanie Plum series so every time I finished a new one, she would read it next. My son – he loved Stephen King’s Gunslinger series so I loaned him mine. Have I seen any of those books come back to me? Not a one. Which taught me that if I want to keep a book in my collection, do not let anyone else touch it. No more lending of books by me. Not no how. Not no way.

Linda: I do not lend my books to anyone, but I do give them away. When I finish a book, I pass it on to someone else. I read over 100 books a year, so I cannot keep them all. Most of the time I read a hand held hardback or paperback. I do read some kindle, especially some newly released books. I am so waiting for the next Orphan X book. That is one of the books that I actually buy new. That is one of t the best series I have ever read. I just finished “Gone Before Goodbye”. It was excellent. Kept you guessing until the end. It was a Reese Witherspoon book club book. Thank you for some excellent recommendations again. Have a great rest of winter.

Irene: I have always had a lot of bad luck loaning books to friends and acquaintances as none of the books were ever returned. As a result, I haven’t loaned out books for a long time.

BJ: Lend books? I did and now I don’t. Young pregnant sister-in-law begged to borrow five books that I had bought used at the library. I kept asking for them back. Finally, she told me they were old books and I didn’t need them back. I corrected her to let her know I had just purchased them but had not had a chance to read any of them. She then admitted that she sold them! A friend borrowed my copy of The Prophet and then lent it out. I never saw it again. Never again will I lend a book to family for friend. Looking forward to reading other replies.

Steve: One of my favorite books of all time is Watership Down and I now have my third copy because the first two that I lent out to folks never found their way back home. But is okay because I really hope they have been shared over and over.

Sue: I have decided to declutter so I am choosing to give away my books I of course keeping my James Patterson series. No I do not share or lend these out. I am reading each book and finishing any series I have. Honestly it feels good to get rid of some of the extra books I will not read again. I don’t know why I hoarded them so long.
We have a local bookstore I visit often but haven’t bought much but they have book items I can give as gifts book bags book marks and other items. For valentines they have a book selection with flowers that they will put together kind of a neat idea.

Deborah: The only person I can remember sharing books with is my mom since we have similar tastes. Every year, when we were still reading actual books, we’d get each other a book for birthdays and Christmas. It was almost always a book in Patricia Cornwell’s Kay Scarpetta series or Sue Grafton’s Kinsey Millhone series. I only listen to audiobooks now so we don’t do that anymore. Mom doesn’t care much for audiobooks but I did convince her to listen to Robert Thornhill’s Lady Justice series. She loved the series but doesn’t have any interest in listening to any other audiobooks. That’s a shame because I know if she just gave them a chance she’d really enjoy it. Mom doesn’t do much reading now but when we have a doctor appointment, she will take a paperback or download an ebook to listen to while she waits.

kat: i had a complete set of over 30 books in a series i lent someone i worked with. she moved out of state taking them all with her despite me asking for them several times.

i dont loan them out anymore unless i dont want them back, they are gifts!

Jeannie: I am a reader, retired high school English teacher, and retired University Literature, Creative Writing, and Film as Literature Professor; so now I do Zumba five days a week. My nickname is the Zumba Librarian. I’ve lent hundreds of books out, and they all come back! The reason is that the person probably wants to borrow another one. I love it. When I taught inner city high school in the Ghetto, I always had current Young Adult books on the shelf and students knew they could: borrow, read (no matter how slowly), return. I never needed to check them out. FYI: favorites amongst my Zumba group are anything by Kristin Hannah and Jane Harper and Jodi Picoult, Mis Fortune Series by Jana Deleon,, Inspector Gamache series by Louise Penny, Andy Carpenter series by David Rosenfelt, Thursday Murder Club series by Richard Ossman, Ava Lee by Ian Hamilton, Department Zero by Adler-Olsen, and the list goes on. I have around forty to fifty friends at the gym who keep borrowing from me. (asking advice and wanting to discuss whatever they just finished). This is way more than you asked for but here it is….

Butch: Used to. Never again. Back in the 60’s I loaned a very special book “to a pregnant friend” of mine. A really cool book re baby’s experiences while in mommy’s body…never got back, she said I never loaned to her. Started putting on my nameplates. Another time a friend said a book I loaned her belonged to her. Showed her the nameplate inside with my name on it. She took marker, crossed out my name, said was hers now. I repeat, NEVER AGAIN!

Debra: I was a school librarian (retired in 2016). Sharing books was my life! I delighted in GIVING MY BOOKS AWAY. I always told the person to pass the book on. I never wanted them back. I just wanted as many people as possible to enjoy it as much as I did. And, no, I didn’t give the school library books away. Those had to come back. LOL!

Unfortunately, that is in the past as I now live in a small condo and have very little room for physical books. I do all my reading on the Kindle app. It’s so sad that I can’t pass those books to others like I always did the physical books.

BTW, I seldom reread books just for enjoyment. There are too many books out there for me to spend time doing that. If an adaptation is coming out, (Hail Mary by Andy Weir is one), I will reread the novel and sometimes, people will talk to me about books and I’ll think, “I think I read that” and then I’ll find it and reread it.

Phoenix: I rarely loan out a book unless I’m willing to never see it again. And the books in Jan de Hartog’s “Peaceable Kingdom” series NEVER get loaned out. I’ll recommend them, but you have to go hunt up a copy your own self. They’re out of print, so I’m hanging on to mine for dear life.

Mary: I have given books to relatives or friends in the past that I’m done with. Most of what I read I get from the library or the Friends of the Library Bookstore at my local branch. Older hard to find books I buy from Amazon for my kindle or Thriftbooks online. I’m 78 and average between 70 to 100 books a year.

Becky: Oh yes, many times. I have lent out my entire collection of Vince Flynn’s series of Mitch Rapp at least 4 times. Only one person did not care for it and returned it unread except for the first few chapters of the first book. I am now retired, but when I worked, I would buy the newest books on Publishing Day by my authors, examples Brad Thor, Brad Taylor, Tom Clancy, read them, then take them to work for my boss to read, who would then pass it to a co-worker who would also read it then bring it back to me. I’ve had several people lend me an entire collection of a series: When I was much younger, I borrowed the series The Kent Family Chronicles by John Jakes. It was just put in to publication and loved it. My Mom had almost every James Michner novel and I would return them then get another round. My favorite being Hawaii, which I now have on my fire tablet. I also have at least 2 personalized 1st editions by each of my favs, except for Tom Clancy.

Christine: Of course, I lent them- PERMANENTLY, I guess!!

Carol: Hi! I continue to enjoy O of B. One of the great joys of my life has been sharing books I love with people I love, most recently my granddaughter, who is now an adult and is sharing books with me! Recently, she turned me on to “Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone,” by Benjamin Stevenson; it’s the first in a short series, with a new one coming out soon. Just great fun, crisp writing and good humor.
On my own I found “Miss Benson’s Beetle,” by Rachel Joyce. I listened to the audio book, narrated by the exquisite Juliette Stevenson. It’s an unusual story, taking place in the early 1950s. It has humor and angst, and is ultimately a story love, loss, friendship and self-discovery. I enjoyed every minute of it.
Also, a bit late, the “MurderBot” series by Martha Wells is just so much fun. Again, I listened to it- excellent narration- if you’ve watched to mini series (OMG, 30 minute episodes!!) which was great fun, you will find the books ever so much better, and you’ll have reasonable faces for the characters.
Keep up the good work and READ BANNED BOOKS.

Maureen: I mainly read ebooks these days with some library books. I do read ARCs for authors and some send me autographed copies which I treasure. I do lend them to one friend as they come back in terrific condition so I don’t mind

Barbara: Yes, I do pass along my books after I read them. I cannot reread books. My 80 year old memory is still too good to allow me to reread a book. I buy many used books on Amazon. After I finish a book I bag them up and pass them along to friends, who pass them along to their friends and family. The only books I keep are the autographed ones. All the others are my TBR.

Margaret: In response to lending: I loaned my book Many Minds Many Masters to a friend indicating I wanted it back and put my name and address inside. After many excuses including she thought I gave it to her, it’s in my son’s garage, and many more. I don’t lend books unless I never want or need them any longer. I bought another copy of the book and learned a lesson.

Carol: I had to make a big move in my life back in 2005. I was moving to much smaller housing. I converted everything to digital. I got rid of physical books, bookshelves, cds dvds, tv sets, radios, record players. Instead I bought digital equipment and used it for everything. This completely solved my problems and I have never missed the old way of doing things. This brought about a related problem to your question. I was asked to loan some of my digital equipment! My response was immediate. No one gets to put their hands on my computer equipment for any reason. Yes, I have books and movies on them but still. I spent a lot of time developing my skills later in life and I will not let anyone ruin my configuration. I have sent some of this material to a friend or family member, such as an ebook file. They download it onto their own machine.
Before 2005 I usually gave away most books to the library after finishing. I’d keep some favorites and did not lend those out. These were not many as I did not then reread books. Now I do. The library got all of my books in 2005.

My husband did the same. In our older age we do not like the same programs so it is no big thing. They used to be the same but now he likes the bizarre, like how much fun it would be to be a chef on a great lakes shipping boat that was bringing in fish.

We use mac books, ipads, and an iphone. It is remarkable how much less space is needed if you implement this.

Joyce: Lending is no longer an option as I have 100% electronic for years, but when I did occasionally purchase a book, I would loan it freely and hope that I got it back just so I could pass it along to another fellow reader. Never one to ‘collect’ works from any particular author, I did purchase three of Ayn Rand’s books that I planned to re-read from time to time. I remember loaning them to ‘someone’ many years ago, writing my name on the inside cover and expressing that I wanted them all back. I never got them back but hopefully, they were passed around and enjoyed by many.

Sandra: I am so glad to read that order of books is not going anywhere and will be showing up every month in my email. I look forward to reading your post every month and feel like it’s from a friend. I often get suggestions for new authors from books you’ve read and books you recommend.

I think it’s really cool that your yourself, wife and daughter can all read the same book and then discuss it and/or watch an adaptation afterwards. For a book reader, that sounds like a really cool family activity.

I am in my 70s now and I spend a lot of time reading, mostly audio or e-books. I grew up watching my dad read the Reader’s Digest and when he was finished, I would read it. We did not have TV. We read books and played outdoors. I am very grateful for that. Hey, what was the question?

I seldom buy a book anymore. In fact when I sold my home and moved into a condo, I sold all my books due to limited space. When I had hard copies, I always shared with anyone who wanted to read them. I took great pleasure in sharing a book from a good author that I enjoyed.

Barbara: My husband gifts one book in particular to people he feels will like it, or maybe learn from it, too.

“Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah” by Richard Bach. If a person is willing to open his/her mind a bit, there is really quite a lot of wisdom in the little book.

The last bookstore I visited was a new/used bookstore called “While Away Books.” I was looking for a few gifts. I have to say that since I bought my Kindle, I generally have no need to visit a bookstore in person. My library is a member of Overdrive/Libby, so I can borrow library books without even having to leave my house, and I don’t have to worry about returning them. And there are a few ways to acquire ebooks for free, if I’m observant, so I do that, too. Real books, even paperbacks, are so expensive that I really cannot afford to buy one unless it’s used, and even used ones are somewhat spendy as well.

If you haven’t read “Illusions,” I hope you’ll find a copy somewhere and read it.

Thank you for all you do to encourage reading. I particularly like your website, where I can find out not only the order of books written by a particular author, but also which other authors I might like who write in the same style.

Renni: I’ve lost track of how many books I’ve purchased and read over the years.
And, been devastated when, because I needed the room, I tried to donate
them and know one would take them?!? They looked new!.

I have a paperback copy of Charm School. I kid you not, I’ve read that
book 5 times over the years. My point is the book looks new.

People, friends, family and neighbors ask if I’ve actually read all the books
I have in my bookcases and I answer most at least twice. Why do they
ask?? Because ALL of my books look new.

I once lent a book to my sister, the following week I asked her if she was
enjoying it. She replied “Are you kidding, I was afraid to open it!”

Once, a friend of my husband borrowed a book of our, my husband cautioned
him about the care of the book. When he returned the book, I thought I
would faint at the condition. I went to him, told him he needed to immediately
needed to purchase a new book for me – he did – he was the man my husband
worked for, and he never again asked to borrow a book.

My books are among my favorite treasures, I am sad because issues with my hands prevent
me from holding a hardcover book for any length of time so I’ve moved to
a kindle. But, lend one of my books, the hard covers I still have, to anyone – –
that could end a relationship so, No, Never would I even consider lending anyone
one of my books!!